Silence (revisited)

[tectak]

Hi heart,
I didn't want to leave this languishing but on reading it I felt that whatever I said about it would lead to changes (if you acted on my comments) or it would remain a victim to other crits! So here goes.

Sparrows cloud the sky,Not complicated. Clear. Simple. Statemental. Specific to this piece, on this day, at this time. It cannot stay this way!
winged shadows of distant figments.OK. Not a bad intro to enhance the sparrowness of the piece but "distant figments" leaves me out of the picture. In spite of common useage being a "figment of imagination", a figment is already that. It is an unreal nonentity. Put at a "distance" it is an unreal thing a long way off. So I am puzzled. I will get over it.
They fill the air with quiet,...or perhaps not. Notwithstanding the abstraction of "quiet" against "quietness" this is a counter-intuitive line, not at all sparrow-like. I see the wheeling crowd of sparrows, ill-defined by distance and too far away to hear. (though I know they're chirrupping away like crazy) I get the big-sky picture... but I am working for it. One of us is maybe a little over-poetic?
their song caught in their throats.Good but why? Tell me. My thoughts above have just been crushed out of existence

My voice has abandoned me too, Again , the simplistic opener. Uncontroversial. There is, and all is opinion, a feeling of broken continuity with the next line. The metaphors are very mixed and do not help me to understand why you are stricken dumb. I think that there is possibly a metaphor too many, here. I am now wanting to discover just why everything has fallen silent...sparrows to species-jump. All silent. This had better be good
a bell that will not ring.
Words dying on my lips,
a tongue tied with filament.

Tracing the birds flight,
I long for a single stanza.
Without your sound
the silence is overwhelming.OK. I am not going to go all judgemental here. This is commitment verse that gets where it's going then finds that it went nowhere. The "you" implicit in "your" comes too late. It seems like an afterthought. Maybe it is. As I said, it is hard to crit because this reader feels that to ask for ANY changes would make the piece no longer true to you. These are my thoughts...but that is all they are. As it is, it is true to itself. An honest piece of work but not for mass assimilation.
Best,
tectak.