05-18-2013, 08:59 PM
hi tadaki,
after reading the poem a few times, i think the enjambment is very weak. try and end the line where there would normally be a pause. once you get the hang of doing it that way, you can experiment doing it other ways. at present the poem is all you telling us what's happening. try and use some images. i like the title and it's use as refrain, many will not but that's down to taste i think. if you use a refrain, make it a constant one, head each stanza with it. finally. the poem is very wordy;
And though you may struggle
once you sort those things out you can build on the depth of the poem.
and curse; And though you
may slice and tear, and
Balk, at my embrace
out 19 words, only 6 of them say anything solid. cut away any of the small words that do nothing
though you may struggle,
curse, slice, tear,
or Balk at my embrace
only use what words you need, sometimes longer lines work better depending on the type of poem.
after reading the poem a few times, i think the enjambment is very weak. try and end the line where there would normally be a pause. once you get the hang of doing it that way, you can experiment doing it other ways. at present the poem is all you telling us what's happening. try and use some images. i like the title and it's use as refrain, many will not but that's down to taste i think. if you use a refrain, make it a constant one, head each stanza with it. finally. the poem is very wordy;
And though you may struggle
once you sort those things out you can build on the depth of the poem.
and curse; And though you
may slice and tear, and
Balk, at my embrace
out 19 words, only 6 of them say anything solid. cut away any of the small words that do nothing
though you may struggle,
curse, slice, tear,
or Balk at my embrace
only use what words you need, sometimes longer lines work better depending on the type of poem.