Who will come...? Edit 2. Rowens, brownlie,milo and true

[tectak]

Well, since it's just a poem..

The first was never going to live: in this new world, in these harsh times.
The wheel that turned, the scream that pierced, the life that flew to death Pierced what? was never going to live, is that meant to imply a miscarriage?
was Destiny in bold pursuit of what was always going to be.
He will not be at my party. must you keep repeating the obvious? Nobodies coming, get over it

The second did not see the scythe; the silent, creeping, stalking kill.
At once the rheumy, running eyes were tearful testament to time
and to the sucking draw to earth, that pull of gravest gravity. sucking draw? You are better than this, you wrote this in like five minutes
She will not be at my party.

The hope held firm for promised years until the third stepped off the stage.
We did not know, we could not tell, we knew no reason for the loss. we did not know, we knew no. Why not follow it up with: we had no idea?
She turned to say she felt unwell and faded in to constant sleep. constant sleep? Or permanent sleep?
She will not be at my party.

As[/b] if the price we pay for life is by the lives of others met, we pay the price by? Or with?
a time in joyful summer days will stretch out in to years until
the debt is due and called in on the few we hold, and then they part. met/debt, due/few, the rhymes only disrupt the rhythm.
They will not be at my party .


this is why it's not too bad..
RSVP becomes a wish. We look into our book and see
the crossed out names, the struck down stars;
we sigh and try to fill a room with friends that still may be.
Will no one come to my party?
tectak Great final stanza, poignant. A poem by itself.
2013

Hi true,
That's better!
S1 Died in a car crash. Tuning wheel, piercing scream. What more do you want? "Sucking draw" was written in like five minutes...four minutes. ..but you are right.It is what I call technically not very good. Needs changing. Will do. Do you think six minutes would do it?
The by/with thing is complicated by the inversion which I over-like. So the "by" is referring to "met by" not "pay with"....er....I think.
Now, this is totally true, the internal rhymes were not contrived. I will look at tgem again but there is a problem in trying to simplify simplicity. Good call just the same. Thanks and for all.
Best,
tectak