05-18-2013, 08:52 AM
Absence is a cruel illusion.
The next three lines don't seem to do much but rhyme.
It can lead the mind to great confusion.
The irony lies in its constant intrusions.
Which, in turn, spawn rampant delusions.
How is it that something that isn't can hold such a presence?
Enormously consuming, following this severance.
It creates a mirage, somehow leads to repentance.
To the same effect as a criminal's life sentence.
If you took the rhyming parts out, you'd be closer to something. Or those in the middle lines.
Something like:
How is it that something that isn't can hold such a presence?
Enormously consuming,
it creates a mirage
Or rework the lines in another way. The rhymes mostly distract from what you're trying to say.
The next three lines don't seem to do much but rhyme.
It can lead the mind to great confusion.
The irony lies in its constant intrusions.
Which, in turn, spawn rampant delusions.
How is it that something that isn't can hold such a presence?
Enormously consuming, following this severance.
It creates a mirage, somehow leads to repentance.
To the same effect as a criminal's life sentence.
If you took the rhyming parts out, you'd be closer to something. Or those in the middle lines.
Something like:
How is it that something that isn't can hold such a presence?
Enormously consuming,
it creates a mirage
Or rework the lines in another way. The rhymes mostly distract from what you're trying to say.