Mary's Last Line

[Todd]

Hi PD,

I scanned the thread and almost missed the revision. It's generally a good idea to post revisions by editing the first post and placing them above the original

Revision
...
....


Original

-------
--------

To the poem:

She stood eyes closed.--Good way to show she's remembering the past, or reliving it in her mind.
Dank mothballs----I really think this needs "The smell of" as a lead in. It feels too abrupt as it is
lingered with whispers
that echoed on rows--echoed is a nice way to show the emptiness of the theater, and the fact that she's reliving a moment
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
embedding plush red carpet,--While roadkill in the original was pushing it a bit far with the imagery. I think you still want something here to lift this above flat description. I also would prefer embedded to embedding.
and waves
of heavy velvet
retreats into the wings.--retreats doesn't feel like the right word here to use with waves of heavy velvet (which I like by the way). It just feels like there would be a better verb choice, and a better prepositional phrase to end on.

Characters wilted--Characters feels too flat. It may be better to name the a few of the roles and show them die beneath the lights
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat--I don't like this line. It pulls you out of the moment
for last lines slipped
unnoticed.