Mary's Last Line

[tectak]

Thank you all for your feedback. After reading it I have adjusted some of the lines. How is this?

[/b]She stood eyes closed.You still need a comma after stood
Dank mothballs No. Original better. The smell of mothballs lingers...not the mothballs!
lingered with whispers
that echoed on rows
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
embedding plush red carpet,Careful. Unusual word use. "Embedded in plush red carpet" is more correct. You have almost said that the carpet is in the popcorn
and waves
of heavy velvet
retreats into the wings.Yes

Characters wilted Tense switching is becoming noticeable . The culprit is the "retreats" (present) in the previous stanza conflicting with " wilted" (past) as in the rest of the piece
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped
unnoticed. Better. Yes, certainly better

Hi tectak and thank you for noticing the tense switch. I think it was intended, actually If you ever think something was intended, actually, it invariably was not. At present, the theater is empty and the characters the girl played were gone long before this moment. Maybe "wilted" is a bad word. nothing wrong with the word. Change retreats to retreated. You have no meter to constrain the line I will think on it some more. You are right on stanza, I will keep trying . I agree with using embedding being unusual, I was trying to avoid using 'in' since i took it out of stanza one, but maybe it belongs there (instead of stanza one!).

This piece is getting better. Keep going. The more it improves the better it gets
Best,
tectak