Mary's Last Line

[tectak]

Thank you all for your feedback. After reading it I have adjusted some of the lines. How is this?

[/b]She stood eyes closed.You still need a comma after stood
Dank mothballs No. Original better. The smell of mothballs lingers...not the mothballs!
lingered with whispers
that echoed on rows
of empty seats.

Popcorn crushed,
embedding plush red carpet,Careful. Unusual word use. "Embedded in plush red carpet" is more correct. You have almost said that the carpet is in the popcorn
and waves
of heavy velvet
retreats into the wings.Yes

Characters wilted Tense switching is becoming noticeable . The culprit is the "retreats" (present) in the previous stanza conflicting with " wilted" (past) as in the rest of the piece
as halogen lights flickered.
She sighed in self-defeat
for last lines slipped
unnoticed. Better. Yes, certainly better