05-16-2013, 02:54 AM
Sunk
I have a compass, broken and cracked
yours had a fracture, from front end to back
We set off sail - not sure why you have broken the line here when the rest is in couplets
one soul aboard
I lifted anchor and we dragged and we soured- did you mean soured? Gone off, or soared i think you mean the latter
But our mast would but buckle, forced from this sea- this line reads grammatically awkward simplify it maybe- though our mast would buckle,
those eyes still watered, body kept from me- I'm not sure about this line I feel I need to know more
And while I've been tied around our shipwreck in sea
you find your lighthouse, put there by me- love this line very considerate
I've got this compass all broken and cracked
Now taking in water, from front end to back
In all a very enjoyable piece, good metaphoric visuals
and the repetition works well, my only other nit would be if you are going to use some punctuation, punctuate all or none. Thankyou for the read.
saeity.
I have a compass, broken and cracked
yours had a fracture, from front end to back
We set off sail - not sure why you have broken the line here when the rest is in couplets
one soul aboard
I lifted anchor and we dragged and we soured- did you mean soured? Gone off, or soared i think you mean the latter
But our mast would but buckle, forced from this sea- this line reads grammatically awkward simplify it maybe- though our mast would buckle,
those eyes still watered, body kept from me- I'm not sure about this line I feel I need to know more
And while I've been tied around our shipwreck in sea
you find your lighthouse, put there by me- love this line very considerate
I've got this compass all broken and cracked
Now taking in water, from front end to back
In all a very enjoyable piece, good metaphoric visuals
and the repetition works well, my only other nit would be if you are going to use some punctuation, punctuate all or none. Thankyou for the read.saeity.