05-15-2013, 02:58 PM
Hi,
This one has touched me very much. My daughter lost 30% in one ear and 100% in her other and is classified as profoundly (as opposed to completely) deaf. The things you write about in your poem are exactly the things that break my heart for her. How many times have I said "Oh listen to that bird sing!" and she cannot hear it, or taken her to a concert or speaker only to leave because she is upset because she is missing 60% of the content or meaning in an event. There is so much we / hearing folk take for granted and I firstly want to thank you for writing about this. It makes me wonder if you know someone who is deaf to write in such a thoughtful way
Concerning the poem itself.
I did not want to make much crit (because I liked that you have written about this so much), but will just mention that the final line of the 2nd stanza is not very smooth to read. I think firstly there is a small typo in that you have a question mark instead of an apostrophe mark for the possessive S. Perhaps if you wish to keep this line mostly as it is, then try something like the sound of tiny rabbit's feet scurrying off. (Alternatively the most poignant for me and my daughter is the inability to hear a skylark sing).
Finally the last stanza is a little too harsh for my taste in the ending. My daughter has a zest for life as much as mine. She is acutely aware of what she is missing, but she loves life to the full and I think her loss has made her appreciate things even more and the same goes for me in watching her live...so I would prefer a more subtle ending. Perhaps something about another sensory element such as: the sun might not seem so bright as it does today.
Thank you for sharing this AJ.
This one has touched me very much. My daughter lost 30% in one ear and 100% in her other and is classified as profoundly (as opposed to completely) deaf. The things you write about in your poem are exactly the things that break my heart for her. How many times have I said "Oh listen to that bird sing!" and she cannot hear it, or taken her to a concert or speaker only to leave because she is upset because she is missing 60% of the content or meaning in an event. There is so much we / hearing folk take for granted and I firstly want to thank you for writing about this. It makes me wonder if you know someone who is deaf to write in such a thoughtful way
Concerning the poem itself.
I did not want to make much crit (because I liked that you have written about this so much), but will just mention that the final line of the 2nd stanza is not very smooth to read. I think firstly there is a small typo in that you have a question mark instead of an apostrophe mark for the possessive S. Perhaps if you wish to keep this line mostly as it is, then try something like the sound of tiny rabbit's feet scurrying off. (Alternatively the most poignant for me and my daughter is the inability to hear a skylark sing).
Finally the last stanza is a little too harsh for my taste in the ending. My daughter has a zest for life as much as mine. She is acutely aware of what she is missing, but she loves life to the full and I think her loss has made her appreciate things even more and the same goes for me in watching her live...so I would prefer a more subtle ending. Perhaps something about another sensory element such as: the sun might not seem so bright as it does today.
Thank you for sharing this AJ.