Pain is Temporary

[tectak]

Hi there i need to make a nursery rhyme for English class that is suppose to have a moral lesson or meaning. Here is my poem. Tell me if you understand it and tell me if you can finding what the moral lesson is? Also any criticisms or advice to give me thanks? And is this poem an A+ or not? How can i improve thanks!

"Pain is only temporary"can one assume this is the title?. I hope so

No pain, no gain is what they say.Straight in with a thumping great cliche. OK...cliches are what they are because they are much/over used. If that is how you wish to impress your judges then carry on...but you need to find something novel or uniquely put in this forum. Incidentally, the non-definitive "...they say" is weak.

Being tough and brave can be the right way. Now who says it is the right way....who says it is not? In fact, who asked a question? This is a disconnect from L1. If line one had been "No pain without gain is wrong some would say;" then you could have merged L2 in to the context thuswise, "why should we suffer, is there no other way? ...or something. Your poem.

Sometimes that pain may last for a day.You have got stuck on Easy Street with your "...ay" rhymes. Day, pray, say, stay, way, may, bay, gay, fay, lay, hay, jay, nay, pay, ray, x-ray, yay....isn't poetry great! It is just SO easy! Either drop these two fascile lines or re-rhyme. "...ay" endings and "...ing" along with the rapper's favourie "..tion" are unlikely to impress.

And you may think the only cure is just to pray. What do you know!? Pray! Hey! Told you so.Your meter is also stumbling now. "just" is a filler word. It adds nothing to what you are trying to say. Why capitalise each line. It is very dated and only confuses.

But you must understand that pain does not last forever.Now we are in the d-minus league here. This line is preachy, pointlessly and disconnectedly repetitive. You have already said that pain may last for a day...now you are repeating your last proclamation. A day is not forever...and forever is a truly ghastly word to rhyme with forever! Surely, you can do better. You are anding and butting your way through this in a totally incoherent way. Stop and think what you are trying to say and then say it ONCE, but clearly and uniquely.

If you quit to achieve your goals however, the pain will last forever. Quit what? This line is utter balderdash. I am getting a headache but do not know whether it will last a day, not forever, forever, should I quit, should I achieve my goals. You have truly lost the point of your own piece....and the moral is? No idea.

So when you lose, fail or fallWhen all else fails, and all else has, back to the cliches. Not good.

Don’t crawl away from failure; just stand up nice and tall.What on earth has this got to do with pain? We are now in to moral turpitude and parental advice on growing up. I cannot go on with this much longer but this is serious crit and you have asked for advice. Rewrite it. Put rhythm in to it. If you want it to rhyme do it well. if you cannot, do not do it at all. Forever...forever. Sheesh

After all you will grow up to be big and strong.....TaraHHHH! Thank god. A cliche to take home.

Pain is only temporary. Wha!?. How did I get back here? Now, I want to talk to you about double-glazing.....

Hi rydmen,
A nursery rhyme? There are formats, you know. Jack and Jill comes to mind. She fell down and broke her crown...which was pretty painfull. Temporary, though. So, choose a nursery rhyme and note the sing-song rhythm. That is what it is all about. Now reconstruct your piece to fit into the same meter/rhythm. Say it in a new way. Avoid old threadbare cliches. This attempt is a non-starter. Please be aware that you are on a poetry site where others will feel obliged to give you help and advice (all is opinion) on poetry. You may feel that nursery rhymes are not for this place but there are GOOD nursery rhymes. This is not one. Have you already given someone else's work some useful crit? You must...before you post in this forum. Rules. Read them.
Best,
tectak