The Leveret (Threnody) (major rev.2)

[Brownlie]

S1

eyes dark broken --- There might be a more concrete word than broken to use. listless, dark, dull... I don't know my opinion
flesh warm still-- syntax is awkward here
he lay
I carried in my arms
of pity the warm body ---- I carried his warm body in my arms?
to a grave of wet leaves but
couldn't let go off yet a life that -- did you mean of?
had left the world so recently
and
rich was the night the death
I touched felt warm ... teasing
follow me soft lover
teasing me
maybe
may it be
may it be so
so, may it be so
yet? --- you have the seeds of an interesting rhythm here.

(or not yet?)

S2

to run with the hare hunting with the hounds a-howling--- You might be interested in the myth of Actaeon who was torn apart by his own hounds after being turned into a buck.

Après la chasse sauvage -- I admire the use of other languages though i can't comment much because I don't know them
nous nous sommes assis
les chasseurs et leurs chiens
autour d'un animal
sacrifié
à la rigolade
d'une nuit perdue

After the wild hunt
we hunters and dogs
sat around the victim
we had sacrificed
to a night of laughter
gone by now

my dog had killed the hare I had to bury now
my dog who'd killed the hare she had to bury now
my anger with her licks--- I like the anaphora here.

S3

Als ich den Kadaver des Häschens sanft
auf die regennasse Erde bettete
und mein Ohr an seine Brust presste
betend dass es doch noch lebte
vielleicht noch nicht gestorben sei
sondern nur so tat
um seinen grausamen
Jägern zu entfliehen
da wurde mir zum ersten Mal
bewusst wie schmal
der Grad
zwischen Werden Sein
und Gewesensein doch ist


When I laid down to last rest
the rabbit's carcass on the ground
drowned in rain
and put my ear to his chest
praying he still would be alive
that he just pretended being dead
to escape his gruesome hunters
for the first time
I did realise how small
the bridge between to be
and not exist
how small it really is.-- awkward syntax but revelations such as this are great ways of ending poems.

You have a clear story, but it is hard to sustain rhythm and write in a matter of fact way (if this is your goal). I like the multiple languages but thats the most I can say about that. Good post.