The Leveret (Threnody) (major rev.2)

[billy]

i automatically see the title as; ode to a leveret.
some great lines in the poem serge, sadly the syntax in some of them is wobbly the lack of punctuation does the poem no just what so ever and in places causes it to falter, the enjambment would benefit with some punctuation, while i do like the content it does need restructuring

S1

eyes dark broken
flesh warm still
he lay
I carried in my arms
of pity the warm body
to a grave of wet leaves but but feels awkward (makes the enjambment twonky)
couldn't let go off yet a life that again the end word feels awkward. the syntax of the line also feels awkward, i'm presuming you mean of and not off, a suggestion would be, couldn't let go of a life that
had left the world so recently
and
rich was the night the death without punctuation the poem is losing its cohesion
I touched felt warm ... teasing
follow me soft lover
teasing me
maybe
may it be
may it be so
so, may it be so
yet?

(or not yet?)

S2

to run with the hare hunting with the hounds a-howling

Après la chasse sauvage
nous nous sommes assis
les chasseurs et leurs chiens
autour d'un animal
sacrifié
à la rigolade
d'une nuit perdue

After the wild hunt
we hunters and dogs
sat around the victim
we had sacrificed
to a night of laughter
gone by now now this stanza works, though i'd suggest huntsmen and dogs, as dogs are hunters in this instance, it's like saying hunters and hunters

my dog had killed the hare I had to bury now
my dog who'd killed the hare she had to bury now
my anger with her licks

S3

Als ich den Kadaver des Häschens sanft
auf die regennasse Erde bettete
und mein Ohr an seine Brust presste
betend dass es doch noch lebte
vielleicht noch nicht gestorben sei
sondern nur so tat
um seinen grausamen
Jägern zu entfliehen
da wurde mir zum ersten Mal
bewusst wie schmal
der Grad
zwischen Werden Sein
und Gewesensein doch ist


When I laid down to last rest
the rabbit's carcass on the ground you buried the hare in the last stanza, did you dig it up again? (though here it mysteriously changes to a damn rabbet
drowned in rain, it was chewed to death, it didn't drown (sorry i can't help myself)
and put my ear to his chest
praying he still would be alive would still be
that he just pretended being dead is just needed?
to escape his gruesome hunters
for the first time
I did realise how small realised
the bridge between to be
and not exist
how small it really is.