The Leveret (Threnody) (major rev.2)

[tectak]

Hi serge,
first of all, this is common occurence for me. Though I shoot and hunt with my dog I have great respect for my quarry and do not kill randomly or for pleasure...but I admit to triumphalism on a clean kill and on deep regret if otherwise. Accordingly, I have often killed with my bare hands, so have prior knowledge of your expressed sentiment in this piece. I do, though, always try to kill with correct punctuation

S1

eyes dark broken
flesh warm still
he lay
I carried in my arms
of pity the warm body
to a grave of wet leaves but
couldn't let go off yet a life that
had left the world so recently Overcome with emotion you are not even trying to express yourself with clarity. It is like a man sobbing rather than speaking. This may be good or bad...but it is not easy on the mind's eye. Do you care? I think not
..and yet you have posted it here.
rich was the night the death
I touched felt warm ... teasing
follow me soft lover
teasing me
maybe
may it be
may it be so
so, may it be so
yet?
I am much taken with the cameo for my own reasons. Others may not be so receptive BUT it would appear that you have all the words written in the right order so for that I am grateful. The grouping of the words is an emotional task which I for one wish was not necessary BECAUSE I want to read YOU not me. See end.
Best,
tectak
Sadly enjoyable. Sadly, enjoyable. See what I mean?
(or not yet?) Omit. I did. Frivolous

S2

to run with the hare hunting with the hounds a-howling

Après la chasse sauvage
nous nous sommes assis
les chasseurs et leurs chiens We sat down with their dogs?
autour d'un animald'une victime sacrifié?
sacrifié
à la rigolade
d'une nuit perdue I like perdue used this way

After the wild hunt
we hunters and dogs
sat around the victim
we had sacrificed
to a night of laughter
gone by now

my dog had killed the hare I had to bury now
my dog who'd killed the hare she had to bury now
my anger with her licks Are these lines just notes?

S3

Als ich den Kadaver des Häschens sanft
auf die regennasse Erde bettete
und mein Ohr an seine Brust presste
betend dass es doch noch lebte
vielleicht noch nicht gestorben sei
sondern nur so tat
um seinen grausamen
Jägern zu entfliehen
da wurde mir zum ersten Mal
bewusst wie schmal
der Grad
zwischen Werden Sein
und Gewesensein doch ist ...and vat ees wrong vith schmetterling?


When I laid down to last rest
the rabbit's carcass on the ground
drowned in rain
and put my ear to his chest
praying he still would be alive
that he just pretended being dead
to escape his gruesome hunters
for the first time
I did realise how small then I realised how small the bridge between "to be" and "to not exist." ...or not to be Beautiful and ultimately necessary perception of the ungraspable truth of the fragility of life
the bridge between to be
and not exist
how small it really is. Sorry to seem clinical (though I DO get the beautifully expressed emotional imagery in this) but I STILL feel you are relying too much on the rawness of the thought process. Perhaps you will decide to leave it in this vulnerable poetic state...and that would be fine. Sometimes clinical crit is quite superfluous and this may be one of those times.
I feel this piece very strongly and am entirely empathetic to you and your quarry...so am a poor judge. Heart is quite right. It will take a few visits.

Best,
tectak