05-13-2013, 07:50 AM
I was instantly attracted to the chillin' tone of the poem. It sounds like a nice, relaxing day.
I like the last line, it had a slight comical feel to it, that ended the poem nicely.
And I think your repetition of 'i hate the sand' just added to the poem. Even though 'you' hate the sand, it doesn't really matter, because 'you' have 'your' drinks, wife and the calming ocean.
In S1 L2, you use a period at the end. If you replaced it with a comma or a colon, it would connect better with L3. Or at least I think. Just a small nit, really. Also, S2 L2, do you need 'harmful'? I mean.. Most people know UV rays are harmful, so the word felt redundant to me.
Thanks for a relaxing read
I like the last line, it had a slight comical feel to it, that ended the poem nicely.
And I think your repetition of 'i hate the sand' just added to the poem. Even though 'you' hate the sand, it doesn't really matter, because 'you' have 'your' drinks, wife and the calming ocean.
In S1 L2, you use a period at the end. If you replaced it with a comma or a colon, it would connect better with L3. Or at least I think. Just a small nit, really. Also, S2 L2, do you need 'harmful'? I mean.. Most people know UV rays are harmful, so the word felt redundant to me.
Thanks for a relaxing read