In Death

[allykat727]

Hi allykat, I think the edit is A LOT better than the original, which is saying something. But I'm not quite sure what you mean from "Eyes open and shut and radiate red" and then onward throughout the rest. I may be an idiot and completely be missing the point, but could you explain?

Sharingan, dude...

actually even i'm not sure what's happening...but i like it. mostly cuz of the rhyme.

in S2 L2...you use 'the time' which is definite. Dealing with only that part of time...If you remove 'the' article (pun intended), it lends more power to Time, while maintaining sense, and it still flows, I believe. Like your dealing with the whole pseudo supernatural force of time, instead of one person's perception of it.

Thanks to you both! C.m.c. its supposed to depict a love so passionate that it stirs even in death. Maybe 'even in death' would be a better title. And zerric, I couldn't agree more about 'time' vs 'the time'. Thanks to both for reading and commenting!