In Death

[billy]

you have most of what you need to create a decent sonnet. it need a bit of work on the meter but the rhyme scheme isn't bad and doesn't sound forced. as a non sonnet i think the meter still needs a bit of work to make it constant; iambic pentameter or hexameter etc all the way through the poem

Longings linger in minds of most,
a gust of air that sweeps and sways.
Fire sizzles sweet wine; we toast
to dancing blues and moonlit greys. better use of moonlit

An image of oceans to quell the thirst
with ripples of frenzy unwinding the time. is 'the' needed?
Nudges and brushes beg bones to burst
in oneness for hearts spilling endless rhyme.

Eyes open and shut and radiate red, did you mean radiant or 'that radiate'
staining the soil with softened swirls,
dampening grounds with tongues that spread
wet letters of thorns into thickening curls.

Hands tremble and amble, no longer awake,
as souls beneath yawning earth cease to shake.


***In case anyone is interested, this is the original piece
Memories linger in delicate minds
of a gust of air, sweeping and swaying.
Fire burning bright, but now sorrow binds
with blue jazz dancing and moonlit greying.
Thoughts trail down to the oceans of lost thirst
and the frenzy of ripples borrows time.
A moment, a kiss, hearts wanting to burst
in beating oneness and infinite rhyme.
Eyes open, eyes shut and radiate red,
and coats damp ground in dainty little swirls.
Written remains rest beside souls once bled,
stirring desperate love into thickened curls.
Hands tremble on those no longer awake
as hearts below the cold earth cease to shake.


Thanks for reading