05-12-2013, 11:01 AM
Hi fourtimefelon,
Oh no not another life is wonderful poem
No thank fuck.
There's some interesting stuff in here and it was a bit of a shame to see it had no comments so far. But that's possibly to do with the references to drugs which a lot of people might not get, although saying that "morphines mixed in these syringes" is not really obscure,
is it about a trip to the dentist?
I like the comparison with the gun but I'd be willing to bet that its been used before, so some people might say that its cliche. I didn't know what xanax was, but it seems as though it's valium???
As regards subject matter I certainly think its worth exploring more and I applaud you for tackling it. The sporadic rhyming at times I think distracts from the poem as a whole, if it was consistent it might work better, but for this kind of subject matter I would stay away from it. I was wondering about the words in bold and also about Hurt, I presume thats a name?? But if so it seems like a reference that only you would understand, I may be wrong.
And finally the last line is a bit muddled up in a contradiction with 'momentary forever' I know what your getting at but it doesn't make sense.
Hope I haven't went overboard with what I've said, I like the fact that your tackling a more difficult topic. As long as your next poem is not about fluffy bunnies and rainbows.
Have your heard of a the poet Allen Ginsberg, if not he is well worth reading, I think you'd like his style, especially 'Howl' its a classic.
Thanks for the read.
AR
Oh no not another life is wonderful poem
No thank fuck.
There's some interesting stuff in here and it was a bit of a shame to see it had no comments so far. But that's possibly to do with the references to drugs which a lot of people might not get, although saying that "morphines mixed in these syringes" is not really obscure,
is it about a trip to the dentist?
I like the comparison with the gun but I'd be willing to bet that its been used before, so some people might say that its cliche. I didn't know what xanax was, but it seems as though it's valium???
As regards subject matter I certainly think its worth exploring more and I applaud you for tackling it. The sporadic rhyming at times I think distracts from the poem as a whole, if it was consistent it might work better, but for this kind of subject matter I would stay away from it. I was wondering about the words in bold and also about Hurt, I presume thats a name?? But if so it seems like a reference that only you would understand, I may be wrong.
And finally the last line is a bit muddled up in a contradiction with 'momentary forever' I know what your getting at but it doesn't make sense.
Hope I haven't went overboard with what I've said, I like the fact that your tackling a more difficult topic. As long as your next poem is not about fluffy bunnies and rainbows.
Have your heard of a the poet Allen Ginsberg, if not he is well worth reading, I think you'd like his style, especially 'Howl' its a classic.
Thanks for the read.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie