(1st edit) stars, moon, sun

[Magpie]

Hi Ambrosial,
read these several times now and overall like the connection that flows between them.
A couple of thoughts on each below. Whilst I feel / agree with the need (well my need ) to keep to the 575 syllable count..of traditional Haiku (I know- these are senyru) ...I can abondoned this for my comments on yours!

In the clear night sky could be shortened to A clear night sky.
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars. Nice cameo of star gazing .

A star that appeared Do you need "that"
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon. This one might beifit a bit of work - not sure what it adds to the overall picture. Also I'm mentally fighting against the moon is a star thing

Even the city... Love this one but would perfer it without the "even" preface.
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.

Almost think that the read would be solid enough without the middle stanza, but will watch with intreast to see where you take this.

thanks for the read
AJ.

Hi AJ,
Thanks for the comments, these were originally written as haiku, but that was before I really understood the concept of haiku, and also like you I prefer to stay in the 575 structure. I thought I was the only one, so it is nice to know that I'm not. There is a modern haiku writer called Richard Wright and he sticks to the 575 rule and in my opinion has written some of the best modern haiku I've read, he is well worth checking out if you haven't read any of stuff.
I actually didn't give mean the piece to be a whole piece more like 3 separate poems, although I did pick them for their celestial connection. But now that you have mentioned it, I think that it would be better as a whole piece, with the right poems in of course.
I will edit these bearing in mind the comments I get, as regards the last one I suppose I was trying to emphasize how beautiful the scene was but I think that I know what you mean about "even".
Thanks again.
AR

---

In the clear night sky
I got lost whilst wandering
between the stars.

A star that appeared
from behind clouds; grew brighter
and became the Moon.

Even the city...
breathing, majestic, alive,
glowing at sunset.

These are beautiful. I really don't care for "whilst", I would drop that
though I see you are staying in the syllable count on the first one.

#2 I might say:
a star appeared
from behind clouds
became the moon.

All in all, very lovely! fine exotics.

Hi heart,
Thanks for the comments, I do agree with you on the "whilst". I need to think more carefully because a few times when I post stuff and people make suggestions I usually agree. But it is in part that they were written with a syllable count in mind, so sometimes some appear unnecessary.
Thanks again for the helpful points.

ps Why do so many people seem to be changing their avatar picture, is it one of those in jokes that I just didn't get, or perhaps I just imagined it, either way it confused me