untitled haibun.

[Magpie]

Edit 1.
It was good to see that “my” oak tree was still standing. I had just walked the path from the beach to the high meadow, passing the fallen heroes of another age. They had stood for centuries, becoming vast in girth and their reach of shelter. One by one they did not wake from their winter slumbers. Their leaves withered and they failed to answer the whispering wind. The power of the passing storm tore them from their anchorage, splitting open diseased hearts and laying them bare. Re-sculpting the landscape.
A similar work had been wrought on the beach. Re-moulded, the debris swept away and a firm smooth expanse left, inviting to the foot and eye. Unsullied by the fallen land and low tide litter. The only adornments, were a few bright pebbles and some shells; arranged on the lower skirts of the tide reach – looking like a necklace of gems glittering in early morning light. I know, that if I can hear the rattle of bones and see the broken ribs of an ancient sailing ship that came home when she ran adrift, then the storm was significant and I then like to check on the Oaks. (Mentioned in the history books, the ship carried passengers and supplies).

Standing oak, new growth -
A shipment of grain and wine.
Well seasoned export.


original
It was good to see that “my” oak tree was still standing. I had just walked the path from the beach to the high meadow, passing the fallen heroes of another age. They had stood for centuries, becoming vast in girth and their reach of shelter. Then, one by one they did not wake from their winter slumbers. Their leaves withered and they failed to answer the whispering wind. The power of the passing storm found their weakened form and tore them from their anchorage, splitting open diseased hearts and laying them bare. Re-sculpting the landscape.
A similar work had been wrought on the beach. Re-moulded, the former debris swept away and a firm smooth expanse left, inviting to the foot and eye. Unsullied by the fallen land and passing tourists, the only adornment were a few bright pebbles and some shells; arranged on the lower skirts of the tide reach – looking like a necklace of gems glittering in early morning light. I know, that if I can hear the rattle of bones and see the broken ribs of an ancient sailing ship that once ran adrift here, then the storm was significant and I then like to check on the Oaks. (Mentioned in the history books, the ship carried passengers and supplies).

A land of standing oaks -
a shipment of bread and wine.
Well seasoned export.

Hi cm,
I really enjoyed reading this, there are some very beautiful descriptions. Also I had never heard of haibun before, so I thank you for that, it is always good to learn new things. It is good to know that other people have "their" trees, I have "my" scots pine. I am wondering why you removed "found their weakened form" from the original, because when I read this earlier today I did like that bit, but as I am reading I've noticed "diseased hearts" straight after, so I'm presuming that is why.
I think it was a good choice to replace "tourists" with "low tide litter"
(a beautiful phrase by the way), but my only query would be that because you use "lower" and "tide" in the next sentence they do seem quite close together. But this sentence "The only adornments, were a few bright pebbles and some shells; arranged on the lower skirts of the tide reach – looking like a necklace of gems glittering in early morning light." is very beautiful, my favourite in the piece and I was glad to see that you didn't alter it in the edit.
A couple more points, first "the broken ribs" is an excellent description and second by adding "came home when she ran adrift" in the edit makes the image more personal and powerful even though I thought the original was fine.
The edited haiku makes more sense also. And like you I am not ready to move away from the 5-7-5 structure, but shhh, it upsets a lot of people and they might be listening right now.
Thanks for the read, I really enjoyed this.