could be
#2
(05-12-2013, 04:49 AM)Heartafire Wrote:  I am obsessing a love
that thrives on war.

I’ve abandoned the joy of
clustered Rhododendrons;
their beauty bores me.

I am weaving through heaven
without a tether.
Tangled on a string of stars,
losing our connection. You are so far -

A thousand miles of oceans lie
below this abyss of could be.
Hi Heart,
This is very beautiful and sorrowful at the same time. The images are extremely strong and powerful.
I especially like the second stanza with it's alliteration and the word "Rhododendrons" with it's ready made alliteration, it is such a beautiful word. I also like the use of the capitalization on Rhododendrons. My only possible nit would be the last stanza and the pluralisation of ocean, I can see why you've used it but to me it seems to disrupt the flow slightly.
But all in all I really like this poem.
Thanks
AR

When I clicked on this poem it was from the main page, and I have just now realised that it is in serious critique, oooops. So sorry that it isn't a line by line critique, hope this will suffice.
feedback award wae aye man ye radgie
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Messages In This Thread
could be - by Heartafire - 05-12-2013, 04:49 AM
RE: could be - by Magpie - 05-12-2013, 06:44 AM
RE: could be - by Heartafire - 05-13-2013, 03:10 AM
RE: could be - by tectak - 05-12-2013, 07:34 AM
RE: could be - by Brownlie - 05-13-2013, 01:17 AM



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