05-11-2013, 10:55 PM
(05-11-2013, 07:01 PM)billy Wrote: feels like a bit too much punctuation in places but i enjoyed it, felt a bit trippy which i'm sure it wasn't meant to be. you could gut a few of the smaller words (packing0 but you won't so i'll only mention it in passingHi billy,
it really does have nostalgic feel to it which again i'm sure isn't intended. it has a bit of hidden bite to it tom, a tasty bite. thanks for the read. no real crit. sorry.
(05-11-2013, 01:32 AM)tectak Wrote: I can't tell you when it all started. I was young and I guess, crazy, too. is the 2nd comma needed?
You get to rely on the people you love...hell, that's what they want you to do. cap the hell and make it pop
One day, though, it will happen. You believe that it's something you said
and you've no idea what the fuck has changed but it hurts like a kick in the head. no comma after day (you'll is the right tense i think) is 'kick in the head' less cliche than 'kick in the balls' i wonder
That's when it all just switches around, you're supposed to know what's on their mind.
You ask for the time and they ask where's your watch, and you find that you're always behind.
So you figure you'd better keep out the way, lock up your door and live cool.
You sleep when you want and you shut out the light and you live with only one rule. i found this line so true of many people i've known, and of myself at times, great insight.
Never get close to the people outside, they will burrow deep into your mind. has a solid hippy feel to it which is weird cos hippy's were friendly bastards.
Live in your head where there's space to expand and where thinking can grow unconfined.
tectak
1967
I found this yesterday. On palimpsest, as serge would appreciate. I rescued it. It holds out hope for us all... .except, perhaps, me
hippy, trippy is correct! My comma use isn't,
There was a lot of rubbing out on this including "...hurts like glass in your bed" to the later edit in 1971 , following Rod Stewart's Maggie May! I was easily influenced back then. I was there at the birth of a cliche.Cool, man!
Best,
tectak