the mission (revised)

[Heartafire]

Final version

Days roll by, one into another.
Waves of melancholy. This feels like a fragment. it's a qualifying clause meant to be part of the previous sentence, and it cannot stand on its own.
Her lust for life's intensity is fading,
petals closing in the dark. nice

Past rustling curtains dandelions flee, whew! This line took some untangling. Why not "Dandelions flee past rusting curtains?
their parachutes carried by the wind,
escaping her sadness, a blanket of despair
they travel to their destiny. is her sadness a blanket of despair? Or are they traveling a blanket of despair? Both?

Beyond dusty panes,
reflections of a woman,
lost in reverie. Nice Senryu

Her chafed hands fill their mission, Fill, or fulfill?
blooms of red and gold.
She listens for the thunder,
waiting for the lightning
to waken a lifeless world




Revised version 1

Days roll by, one into another.
Waves of melancholy.
Her lust for life's intensity is fading,
rose petals closing in the dark.

Past rustling curtains dandelions fly free,
fleeing parachutes carried by the wind,
escaping her sadness, a blanket of despair
they travel to their destiny.

Beyond dusty panes, reflections
of a woman tending a garden,
lost in reverie.

Her chafed hands fill their mission,
blooms of red and gold.
She listens for the thunder;
Waiting for the lightning
to waken a lifeless world.



Original

Through the rustling curtains
a damp breeze fills the room.
Beyond the dusty panes
the reflection of a woman
weeding her flower bed in the rain.

Undaunted by the cold
chafed hands attend her mission,
resolutely caring for the
blooms of red and gold.

She listens for thunder
to break the sound of silence,
a flash of lightning
to waken her lifeless world.

I like it. I just feel like you should keep working on it.

Thanks enigma, you are right on target with your suggestions, good
eye, particularly with "fill", of course that should read "fulfill". I am going to edit this based on your comments, will revise the post rather than recopy this. Thanks so much!
Best,
Heart