05-10-2013, 04:54 AM
Hi Kickback, what a shame this got buried so quickly -- there are some really good elements to this. You have a good ear for rhythm and so for the most part your rhymes work as they're where they should be for sound. With a little more practise and grounding in meter, this will become even more natural for you. I like your little internal rhymes as well.
You do need to beware of superfluous words/phrases. In a poem, every word should add something as there's not a lot of room to get a message across. Also, in rhyme one of the great crimes is to invert syntax (Yoda-speak) -- it makes it obvious that you've mangled things just to get a rhyme in (e.g. "an ear I did lend"). This stands out especially in poems that are otherwise quite conversational, contemporary language.
Great job bookending the poem with movie tickets and beer. This sort of detail makes the poem unique, and it really was enjoyable to read.
You do need to beware of superfluous words/phrases. In a poem, every word should add something as there's not a lot of room to get a message across. Also, in rhyme one of the great crimes is to invert syntax (Yoda-speak) -- it makes it obvious that you've mangled things just to get a rhyme in (e.g. "an ear I did lend"). This stands out especially in poems that are otherwise quite conversational, contemporary language.
Great job bookending the poem with movie tickets and beer. This sort of detail makes the poem unique, and it really was enjoyable to read.
It could be worse