05-10-2013, 02:32 AM
Hello Heart,
I think you have made some nice changes in your edit.
Here are my thoughts below.
Days roll by, one into another.
Waves of melancholy.
Her lust for life's intensity is fading,
rose petals closing in the dark. This stanza is a big improvment, but i am not sure about the rose petals closing. Do roses close at night? (is a question i'm not sure either way), I have an image of them curling as the colour fades aways and then they fall in a rush at the slightest touch of wind or a knock. Also in my mind i do not see her as a rose, she reads as something which had more vigour and zest (in her day an out of the box person) perhaps more of a rambling rose or a morning glory. (sorry not very up on plants so this might be a weak suggestion)
Past rustling curtains dandelions fly free, Found the three F's in a sequence a bit much even with the coma and line work. Like the image and this stanza adds a lot to the read by way of story, so good edit work.
fleeing parachutes carried by the wind,
escaping her sadness, a blanket of despair Perhaps you could swap the fleeing on the above line with the escaping on this line over to distance the F's but keep the effect. Don't know if you can work with... escape chutes carried by the wind, fleeing her sadness. Just an idea
they travel to their destiny.
Beyond dusty panes, reflections
of a woman tending a garden,
lost in reverie.
Her chafed hands fill their mission,
blooms of red and gold.
She listens for the thunder;
Waiting for the lightning
to waken a lifeless world.
Think you did a good job with the story and setting your woman free. thanks for the read.
AJ.
I think you have made some nice changes in your edit.
Here are my thoughts below.
Days roll by, one into another.
Waves of melancholy.
Her lust for life's intensity is fading,
rose petals closing in the dark. This stanza is a big improvment, but i am not sure about the rose petals closing. Do roses close at night? (is a question i'm not sure either way), I have an image of them curling as the colour fades aways and then they fall in a rush at the slightest touch of wind or a knock. Also in my mind i do not see her as a rose, she reads as something which had more vigour and zest (in her day an out of the box person) perhaps more of a rambling rose or a morning glory. (sorry not very up on plants so this might be a weak suggestion)
Past rustling curtains dandelions fly free, Found the three F's in a sequence a bit much even with the coma and line work. Like the image and this stanza adds a lot to the read by way of story, so good edit work.
fleeing parachutes carried by the wind,
escaping her sadness, a blanket of despair Perhaps you could swap the fleeing on the above line with the escaping on this line over to distance the F's but keep the effect. Don't know if you can work with... escape chutes carried by the wind, fleeing her sadness. Just an idea
they travel to their destiny.
Beyond dusty panes, reflections
of a woman tending a garden,
lost in reverie.
Her chafed hands fill their mission,
blooms of red and gold.
She listens for the thunder;
Waiting for the lightning
to waken a lifeless world.
Think you did a good job with the story and setting your woman free. thanks for the read.
AJ.