Maceration [revision 1]

[tectak]

Then is it about Andrew? What about "The Impossible". Lol, the risks you run if you leave all the interpretation up to the reader. I am sometimes ok with it, as I like to write (and read) lyrics that the reader can derive their own meaning from, but this isn't that sort of peace on earth. Piece.

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Btw "The Impossible" is a movie about a tsunami.

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Thanks very much for the feedback, Billy and Tectak! The consensus I'm hearing is that the meaning is hidden a bit too far under the surface. If I have to explain the literal meaning, then I'm not doing a good enough job communicating. I'm working on a clearer revision in which I'll be more careful about the players and the timeline.

thongs ? females?

Billy, I meant footwear, not underwear. Maybe I'll change that to crocs – which might play nicely with the alligators on the next line

Katrina

Hrm... True, this isn't meant to be about Katrina. I'll make that more apparent.

Nice turn of phrase. Do you say lichen as in "kitchen" or lichen as in "liken"? Just curious. Either way, still nice..but now I look at "trickle"

Thanks! I say it like "liken."

...nicely observed but we are in Niagra territory.

Wow! Actually, yes, but not quite like you mean. The setting I imagined is maybe an hour drive from Niagara. Of course that's not really significant to the poem as it stands, but I was struck by the coincidence.

"Until" is causative and chronological at the same time. I think you mean chronological. Try "...until the evening AIR throbbed with frogsong". It is not a complete cure but I cannot get this. "How was your evening?". "Oh, throbbing, thanks for asking."

Haha! That's a nice catch. I'll noodle on it and see if I can come up with a more purely chronological phrasing.

Catfish consume, surely? Not cattails

I was shooting for the image of flora converting a ruin to mulch, growing out of the remains of the house. I think it works, no?

I don't care about the meter in this piece. It is though, a story so far. Do you think it is a poem. Why?
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Though you show no inkling to make this in any sense metric verse it would help considerably if you could get closer to some rhythmical discipline.
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I kind of liked this because it DOES tell a story. It lacks poetic endeavour and is in fact the antithesis of what poetry is about. That is not a criticism....oh alright, it is...but you could do much better than this with your obvious observational prowess.

I suppose there's a fine line between free verse and prose poetry. I was aiming for the former and didn't suspect such a strong reaction about the lack of consistent meter. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the distinctions between free verse and prose. Do you have suggestions about how to make a free verse piece more poetic, in a rhythmic sense, without turning it into blank verse?

Tectak, thanks again for your particularly detailed feedback. I really appreciate it, it's making me think, and I expect it'll make me a better writer.

Milo gave you part of it. sonics. Rhymes work pretty good too and help you make certain words stand out and stick, if you're into that sort of thing, but I think what you mostly need is some strong sonic inflections to build your rhythm. Hisses and hard c-s and k's for emotions, rolling sounds (g's followed by L and such "glimmer" "glow". "guile" is harder sound, "beguile" is rhythmic. "clung" is a tongue twister, like "lung" with the "LUN" behind it. Soft g's work better after L's and U's and N's: lounge, lunge.) for music. You can also make it "sing" and "swing" musically with sonics as well.

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"clung to" works better than clung on. Clungon clungon clungon clunglon

....and do not forget klingon!
Blank verse versus prose? All is opinion. Things change but semantically the poet writes poetically. If you dogmatically write prose you will often find that poetry slips in by accident and will not be detrimental. If you write poetry it is considered a failure by some if you lapse ( I am biased) in to prose. Sonics and alliteration are part of the way we sentient beings have programmed ourselves to speak. Though words are themselves described irritatingly as anapest or spondee or iamb or trochee et al it is worth remembering that in the beginning was the WORD. The descriptors came later. So, if you are writing prose, just write. Anything goes. Read it when you have written it but note that you could play the sentences and their contained emphases on a piano. No need to worry about breath control. If you are writing poetry, even blank verse, note that you should be able to play it on a clarinet.You must breathe. Ginsberg was my hero...there are now others.
The bigger question is when does prose become just ( I am biased) text. Well, frankly, it is rarely anything else. Oh, you will see the aspirants struggling to turn barely contained gabions of stony text into something remotely poetic by ridiculous line breaks and pointless enjambment but it fools no one...not even the writers of such stuff.
Grrrr.
I hope that helps.
Best,
tectak