05-09-2013, 02:17 PM
Line breaks could go a long way toward making this more poetic. For example:
Constipated, my mind puckers
its hemroided orifice, dribbling out
pebbley insubstantialities.
Bloody words fall to the floor,
piling into an obscene heap.
A retched stench fills my nostrils
as I consume the excreted words,
willing my body to encase them
again, to reprocess them
to a purer pile of shit.
By the way, nice use of consonance with all the Bs (dribbling, pebbly, insubstantialities).
Another thought: beware adjectives. There's often a more elegant way to describe your image. For instance:
You could turn "bloody" into a gerund: "Words fall bleeding to the floor."
A stench is by definition an awful smell. You could probably lose "wretched" entirely without diluting the meaning. This will help concentrate the poem down to the most important words.
Constipated, my mind puckers
its hemroided orifice, dribbling out
pebbley insubstantialities.
Bloody words fall to the floor,
piling into an obscene heap.
A retched stench fills my nostrils
as I consume the excreted words,
willing my body to encase them
again, to reprocess them
to a purer pile of shit.
By the way, nice use of consonance with all the Bs (dribbling, pebbly, insubstantialities).
Another thought: beware adjectives. There's often a more elegant way to describe your image. For instance:
Quote:Bloody words fall to the floor
You could turn "bloody" into a gerund: "Words fall bleeding to the floor."
Quote:A wretched stench
A stench is by definition an awful smell. You could probably lose "wretched" entirely without diluting the meaning. This will help concentrate the poem down to the most important words.