Maceration [revision 1]

[syntheticsunset]

Thanks very much for the feedback, Billy and Tectak! The consensus I'm hearing is that the meaning is hidden a bit too far under the surface. If I have to explain the literal meaning, then I'm not doing a good enough job communicating. I'm working on a clearer revision in which I'll be more careful about the players and the timeline.

thongs ? females?

Billy, I meant footwear, not underwear. Maybe I'll change that to crocs – which might play nicely with the alligators on the next line

Katrina

Hrm... True, this isn't meant to be about Katrina. I'll make that more apparent.

Nice turn of phrase. Do you say lichen as in "kitchen" or lichen as in "liken"? Just curious. Either way, still nice..but now I look at "trickle"

Thanks! I say it like "liken."

...nicely observed but we are in Niagra territory.

Wow! Actually, yes, but not quite like you mean. The setting I imagined is maybe an hour drive from Niagara. Of course that's not really significant to the poem as it stands, but I was struck by the coincidence.

"Until" is causative and chronological at the same time. I think you mean chronological. Try "...until the evening AIR throbbed with frogsong". It is not a complete cure but I cannot get this. "How was your evening?". "Oh, throbbing, thanks for asking."

Haha! That's a nice catch. I'll noodle on it and see if I can come up with a more purely chronological phrasing.

Catfish consume, surely? Not cattails

I was shooting for the image of flora converting a ruin to mulch, growing out of the remains of the house. I think it works, no?

I don't care about the meter in this piece. It is though, a story so far. Do you think it is a poem. Why?
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Though you show no inkling to make this in any sense metric verse it would help considerably if you could get closer to some rhythmical discipline.
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I kind of liked this because it DOES tell a story. It lacks poetic endeavour and is in fact the antithesis of what poetry is about. That is not a criticism....oh alright, it is...but you could do much better than this with your obvious observational prowess.

I suppose there's a fine line between free verse and prose poetry. I was aiming for the former and didn't suspect such a strong reaction about the lack of consistent meter. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the distinctions between free verse and prose. Do you have suggestions about how to make a free verse piece more poetic, in a rhythmic sense, without turning it into blank verse?

Tectak, thanks again for your particularly detailed feedback. I really appreciate it, it's making me think, and I expect it'll make me a better writer.