the mission (revised)

[tectak]

Hi heart,
terse-verse again , eh? This is full of thinking. You are trying to take over your muse Imagery is NOT all. Though I confess that I like S1, I cannot love it. It is rhythmically like logs falling down a flight of stairs. You begin well. Nursery rhyme rhythm is one of my all time favourites because it heps to make the words stick. "Through the rustling CURtains, a damp breeze fills the room" is "Round and round the GARden, went the teddy-bear". Love it...but then...
Through the rustling curtains
a damp breeze fills the room.[/b]semicolon or the next line is airborn[/b]
Beyond the dusty panesI want "One step, two steps and tickle under there" but I don't get it. All change....but why?
the reflection of a woman
weeding her flower bed in the rain.Cold comfort to this nicely begun piece. What chance of rectification of rhythm? Your poem.

Undaunted by the cold
chafed hands attend her mission,
resolutely caring for the
blooms of red and gold. As a cameo, this is a good hook to hang your stanza on. As it is it is just too clinical. I expect an advertisement for hand-cream to follow. OK. You are going for terseness...brevity...but what of the content? "...chafed hands attend her mission" is just not lyrical enough. I am a little unsure about hands attending missions as it is. As I began...the distillate is good but you need to add water to make it flow. Too concentrated.

She listens for thunder
to break the sound of silence,
a flash of lightning
to waken her lifeless world.Here is a woman attending to life. She is cultivating what to many is the quintessential manifestation of all that is alive...flowers. She is celebrating her closeness to living things...she is nearer God's heart in her garden...why on earth is her world lifeless. This last stanza does not work for me...but I wish wholeheartedly that you could make it otherwise. You can. Add water and fertilise regularly.
Best,
tectak
Punctuation issues? Almost none. This is me liking a piece.

Dear Tec, thank you so much for the critique. You have nailed me with my terse-verse style. I am passing the blame on to my former mentor who never used a word that was not totally essentialtotally tautology Totally is not essential!. I want to write a "fattie" (thank you , Serge). I will continue to strive in that direction. I can think of only a few pieces, with the exception of prose, where I have let it all hang out.
About the lady tending the garden, she is out there in her mundane world but needs more. Gardening is just a distraction shielding her from the banal and commonplace. Based on your opinion of this I am going to try to open it up...get into what is restricting this poor woman, perhaps set her free. Thank you again, I so appreciate your
help with this.
My best,
Heart

Hi Heart,
Couldn't resist the ribbing! Totally essential in that context was a huge funny!
Back to the poem. Yes to your post-explanatory disclosure but surely this is worth making manifest IN the poem. I got it but that is the point. "I" got it. I would have liked my interpretation (not difficult) to be confirmed. The only thing your "poor" woman is suffering from is chafed hands...Jesus, there are worse things! I got a paper cut off toilet paper yesterday but I am over it now. This is a good snapshot. Make the video.
Best,
tectak