05-09-2013, 12:45 AM
Beyond the typos...the poem is strong in content and description, short on form and revision.
"Each grain of humidity is bound to the pores of his newly shaven beard" - If he is newly shaven he would not have a beard, but if he has a beard his pores would not be bound to the grains of humidity; they would be sheltered by his beard. Maybe use the word "trimmed" instead of shaven, or remove the beard altogether if it is shaven. I don’t think his physical description (a beard) adds to the poem anyways, many men these days have beards so they do little to describe a person's character.
"She cries for days and nights, countless to man." - What is being countless to man mean?
"she figures and settles the answer in over sleep" -What is over sleep?
"After the blood, the pain, and the toll he decides to give. He lays on the tracks with no will to live. She cries for days and nights, countless to man. Wonders what would drive him to that." - This part should just be 2 sentences, or remove the word “after” if you want to keep the first sentence as its own.
I am sorry to the girl whom this man's suicide is "the toll he decides to give."
"Each grain of humidity is bound to the pores of his newly shaven beard" - If he is newly shaven he would not have a beard, but if he has a beard his pores would not be bound to the grains of humidity; they would be sheltered by his beard. Maybe use the word "trimmed" instead of shaven, or remove the beard altogether if it is shaven. I don’t think his physical description (a beard) adds to the poem anyways, many men these days have beards so they do little to describe a person's character.
"She cries for days and nights, countless to man." - What is being countless to man mean?
"she figures and settles the answer in over sleep" -What is over sleep?
"After the blood, the pain, and the toll he decides to give. He lays on the tracks with no will to live. She cries for days and nights, countless to man. Wonders what would drive him to that." - This part should just be 2 sentences, or remove the word “after” if you want to keep the first sentence as its own.
I am sorry to the girl whom this man's suicide is "the toll he decides to give."