05-08-2013, 11:50 AM
There are a couple places where your word choices are working against you "clung on" "awoke" and you frequently choose passive voice when active would be so much stronger (meals were spiced with instead of tang of rotting timber spiced our . . .) but overall it is brilliant. The imagery, the tone, etc. Most of the word choice is excellent and you seem to appreciate a good line (until evening throbbed with frogsong). If anything I would pay attention to where the rhythm seems a little clunky, although I know this is not metric vers, it is still nice to use some metric techniques to control the flow.