05-08-2013, 10:08 AM
Hi Ehud,
Just a few thoughts.
I would believe that 'Thick clouds of vapor' is a contradiction. Vapor is, if I'm not mistaken, barely or not visible.
'Frozen or unusable it does matter for the only sound they will to make is the crunching with their feet.' This sentence just doesn't make sense. And it is not grammatically correct.
'Along with the bones of those who walked before, those who dared to see.' There might be a disconnect here, I'm not sure. But starting the sentence with along, made it unclear to me nonetheless.
Keep writing
Just a few thoughts.
I would believe that 'Thick clouds of vapor' is a contradiction. Vapor is, if I'm not mistaken, barely or not visible.
'Frozen or unusable it does matter for the only sound they will to make is the crunching with their feet.' This sentence just doesn't make sense. And it is not grammatically correct.
'Along with the bones of those who walked before, those who dared to see.' There might be a disconnect here, I'm not sure. But starting the sentence with along, made it unclear to me nonetheless.
Keep writing