Loveless edit 1

[Keith]

(My first)

Loveless

Relentlessly, the waves beat upon the rocks.
Where to you think sand comes from? do ?
Castles; between your toes; in the bucket; in your eyes. like this line weird but strong images

Relentlessly, the rain beats against the earth.
Where do you think rivers come from?
Peaceful; raging; flooding; flowing.

Relentlessly, the fists beat upon my heart. heart sounds a bit corny
Where do you think tears come from?
Painful; hurtful; cleansing; racking.

Relentlessly, the heels beat against my head.
Where do you think loveless comes from?
Lonely; searing; lonely; lonely. the repetition spoils this line would follow your form
Loveless.

I don't have it.
I don't feel it.
I don't want it.

Loveless

Waves; rain; fists; feet.
Beating me lovelessly.

Hello Wordsworth I enjoyed your first. The line that stands out for me is the 3rd line of S1 if you could give us this imagery in the other Stanza's instead of the lists I think you would really improve your poem I have added some comment to areas you could also have a look at. TOMH