05-08-2013, 02:20 AM
Toxic Night that crawled into a Sunset sublime, What is a toxic night?
a walk home by a misty canal, Misty canal is an interesting image?
two week stubble, amphetamine eyes These are Two good sensual details I have certainly felt amphetamine eyes before
that haven`t seen sleep for five short days. I feel this line is a bit redundant perhaps you could condense the idea of amphetamine eyes and insomnia more compactly
I was crazy at midnight, What do you mean by crazed?
bleary eyed, tongue tied, Bleary eyed continues a theme of insomnia, tongue tied is a cliché
bound for the east in adoration of a new Moon. Perhaps be more specific here
It was good to walk by the waters edge, I would take out it was good to walk
lost in temptation, passive resistance, These are vague terms to me
gentle surrender,a wing beat away from eternity. More vague terms to me
In this time of reckless persuasion Reckless passion what’s that?
softly fall the nights of abandon. How do nights softly fall
Placid Sunsets crawl slowly Home, I would replace the adjective with something more powerful
Sunsets of Bliss hold their breath. What is a Sunset of Bliss
I like the image and the sensory detail of amphetamine eyes. I would almost like to see you deliberate on insomnia. Why did you choose the form you chose? Good draft.
a walk home by a misty canal, Misty canal is an interesting image?
two week stubble, amphetamine eyes These are Two good sensual details I have certainly felt amphetamine eyes before
that haven`t seen sleep for five short days. I feel this line is a bit redundant perhaps you could condense the idea of amphetamine eyes and insomnia more compactly
I was crazy at midnight, What do you mean by crazed?
bleary eyed, tongue tied, Bleary eyed continues a theme of insomnia, tongue tied is a cliché
bound for the east in adoration of a new Moon. Perhaps be more specific here
It was good to walk by the waters edge, I would take out it was good to walk
lost in temptation, passive resistance, These are vague terms to me
gentle surrender,a wing beat away from eternity. More vague terms to me
In this time of reckless persuasion Reckless passion what’s that?
softly fall the nights of abandon. How do nights softly fall
Placid Sunsets crawl slowly Home, I would replace the adjective with something more powerful
Sunsets of Bliss hold their breath. What is a Sunset of Bliss
I like the image and the sensory detail of amphetamine eyes. I would almost like to see you deliberate on insomnia. Why did you choose the form you chose? Good draft.