05-07-2013, 01:57 PM
If speaker is staring around soft and sadly, just starring, it's no wonder people stay away. Maybe people would come closer if they had a better idea about who the speaker is as a person beyond the staring.
And I'd be more interested, too.
As it is now, I don't know if speaker is sad first, and ostracised second; or if speaker is sad because he's ostracised. Clarification of that would be helpful.
I'd add that the sound of the writing is alright. It doesn't hang-up on my lips, so that's a plus. But do make me want to have sympathy for speaker by making them more than just a sad, staring figure.
And I'd be more interested, too.
As it is now, I don't know if speaker is sad first, and ostracised second; or if speaker is sad because he's ostracised. Clarification of that would be helpful.
I'd add that the sound of the writing is alright. It doesn't hang-up on my lips, so that's a plus. But do make me want to have sympathy for speaker by making them more than just a sad, staring figure.