Do you ever just feel crazy?

[rowens]

I have an obsessive need to experience what others are feeling and thinking. A girl I knew told me it wasn't obsession, it was just empathy. But she surely wasn't sympathetic about it. Even though she could relate a little bit, and we were going to work on writing together, she found it too disturbing after a while and disappeared like they always do. It jeopardized her own sense of self. I'm able to distance myself from my sense of self for long periods of time; but when it rolls back over me, it's like having your flesh ripped off and then having your damaged nerves respond days after the fact. Like a wave of sick heat rushes through me. That's when you need somebody physically there with you, or too much of you gets caught down in that sick place, and won't come out with the rest of you. But those are the times when people you need are less likely to be around. And the more you lose, the more of you that's trapped down in the sick places, the less easy it is to find anyone that's willing to be around you at all.

But I think if people can truly appreciate the adventures of their own minds and bodies, and that of other people: all that's there going on in the world of the body, they can understand why it's so important to travel the world. Technology makes the planet seem smaller than it is. And it's numbing for most people. I don't like being numb. I break the buttons on computers when I type my books, they're such flimsy machines. And I don't like them; they violate my sensual preferences. I often feel that typing on a computer is like making love to a woman through her husband, or her pet, or worse yet, her welcome mat. And I think preferences are important.

It seems to me that with all the exposure people have these days with the Internet, and all the conversations I hear people having, that they would be numbed to anything "strange". But it seems people are becoming even more uptight and more sensitive to things that lead them into fear and hatred. Most people just pretend that they think something's weird or scary for face value with the people they're around; but they do it so much that it becomes their actual feelings and beliefs.

All people are stupid sometimes, even the most intelligent and understanding go through phases where they seem to forget what they know. But many people are never intelligent. And that makes sense, since when looking at "the big picture", self-conscious intelligence is an abomination among us furry animals. But you have to fight off the healthy, normal people, because they're the ones that are going to eventually kill you.