05-06-2013, 06:43 PM
(04-30-2013, 08:45 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote: Meandering merciful morning. Great use of alliteration. Illustrative and rhythmic.All of my critique is JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read
The precious jewel in the East follows the sulphur Moon; Great line.
Sphere of sumptuous dark sky bliss... Would this line be stronger if it removed "bliss" and just had "dark skies"?
... And then the long silent Night.
The slumber time world of wondrous vistas
In excursions exquisite. This stanza might be punchier if you delete this line, ending instead on "wondrous vistas".
The peaceful patient Night.
In which eyes of mine animated, alert, awake, amazed Another great use of alliteration.
Follow Stars across solstice skies of turquoise twilight. Is "turqoise" needed? "Solstice skies" is fabulous, but to immediately follow it with another alliterated adjective (no pun intended) feels like overkill.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe