05-06-2013, 03:04 PM
A few small nits:
- The capitalization at the beginning of the lines isn't consistent.
- The repetition of "purpose" and "purposes" in the first and fourth stanzas feels like an accident. Perhaps you could change one of them.
- I might replace "a-prowlering" with "a-prowling".
- In the first stanza, "no small distance" feels a bit lazy, as though it's only meant to fill in the meter.
Bigger points:
- In the second stanza I'd love a description of the "grim, nefarious" features – are we talking sharp teeth, claws, what? – instead of just being told "they're really grim, trust me."
- Stanza three makes it sound like the creature's prowling behavior is contingent on moonlight, but then in stanza four it seems that the Pulschnip may be active any time of day or night. If stanza three is a full moon reference, that could be made clearer.
Overall, the rhyme and meter are well done, the subject matter is interesting, and I found the diction delightful.
- The capitalization at the beginning of the lines isn't consistent.
- The repetition of "purpose" and "purposes" in the first and fourth stanzas feels like an accident. Perhaps you could change one of them.
- I might replace "a-prowlering" with "a-prowling".
- In the first stanza, "no small distance" feels a bit lazy, as though it's only meant to fill in the meter.
Bigger points:
- In the second stanza I'd love a description of the "grim, nefarious" features – are we talking sharp teeth, claws, what? – instead of just being told "they're really grim, trust me."
- Stanza three makes it sound like the creature's prowling behavior is contingent on moonlight, but then in stanza four it seems that the Pulschnip may be active any time of day or night. If stanza three is a full moon reference, that could be made clearer.
Overall, the rhyme and meter are well done, the subject matter is interesting, and I found the diction delightful.