05-05-2013, 12:45 AM
What this poem needs, I think, is focus and drive. It's all very messy at the moment, attempting to evoke a classical atmosphere with little sense of structure or rhythm but more just an old-seeming vocabulary. Decide what this poem's about, how many verses it should have, how the narrative thread will roll from A - Z etc. You do have a lot of good individual lines and images here. They just need to be a married to a solid story/idea. My critique is all JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read
[/quote]
Thank you for your critique I found you had some valuable insight. This plant can be used as a poison or a deleriant so the seeds can make you hallucinate. There was a reference to Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress" (not sure if it really applied though) but you are right the poem is not working as one body. Thanks again.
[/quote]
Thank you for your critique I found you had some valuable insight. This plant can be used as a poison or a deleriant so the seeds can make you hallucinate. There was a reference to Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress" (not sure if it really applied though) but you are right the poem is not working as one body. Thanks again.