05-03-2013, 06:35 PM
Heslop!
Thank you so much ( I mean it.)
You did a wonderful copy edit.
Yes, I will (with your permission) use the rhythmic prose stanza you cleaned up!
I will reply to your questions in a bit.
cheers!
serge
at Tom 2 points:
1. Shaking off seasickness on a sightseeing boat in the stinging heat
of a late hangover afternoon, I shook my messed-up head maybe "with" instead of "of" as the hangover and heat are not interelated.
laughing retrospectively about the pushy picture postcard selling boy
showering me in front of the Blue Mosque with a torrent Too excited. Calm down and punctuate to clarity. With this much detail the reader is liable to miss the salient adverbs. In fact, it us a little overendowed. Do you need "pushy" and "picture"? No. Which is salient? Pushy. So maybe lose "picture". Same with "late" and "hangover" .Which word matters. Hangover. "late" is subjectively redundant.
of broken tourist tongue bird calls. Not ringingly clear. I am not prepared to ponder what you mean here because you are rushing me through the piece by your rapid delivery of what may be consequential info. Drivers who travel too fast in fog do so because the fog starves them of visual input...so they drive faster to compensate. I feel the same here.
tom, the whole stanza is a mess I will meditate over your words this weekend.
2. quoting you:
"...with a hangover in the stinging heat of a late afternoon"
It is not the hangover of stinging heat, but the afternoon of stinging heat.
That is all."
You know what I ll do? ,-)
Let me show you:
"With a hangover bathing in the stinging heat of an afternoon (coming up) too soon"
(parenthèses naturellement pour toi seul. ,-))
a la votre
I would love to, and seriously consider to, bribe Juliet Stevenson* in order to make her recite this text of mine.
(sigh!)
But what would please her enough to comply?
Surely not me (dancing in the rain).
------------
* http://youtu.be/PQMQPmMMTek
Es ist schwer!
http://gurkski.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/2999/
Thank you so much ( I mean it.)
You did a wonderful copy edit.
Yes, I will (with your permission) use the rhythmic prose stanza you cleaned up!
I will reply to your questions in a bit.
cheers!
serge
at Tom 2 points:
1. Shaking off seasickness on a sightseeing boat in the stinging heat
of a late hangover afternoon, I shook my messed-up head maybe "with" instead of "of" as the hangover and heat are not interelated.
laughing retrospectively about the pushy picture postcard selling boy
showering me in front of the Blue Mosque with a torrent Too excited. Calm down and punctuate to clarity. With this much detail the reader is liable to miss the salient adverbs. In fact, it us a little overendowed. Do you need "pushy" and "picture"? No. Which is salient? Pushy. So maybe lose "picture". Same with "late" and "hangover" .Which word matters. Hangover. "late" is subjectively redundant.
of broken tourist tongue bird calls. Not ringingly clear. I am not prepared to ponder what you mean here because you are rushing me through the piece by your rapid delivery of what may be consequential info. Drivers who travel too fast in fog do so because the fog starves them of visual input...so they drive faster to compensate. I feel the same here.
tom, the whole stanza is a mess I will meditate over your words this weekend.
2. quoting you:
"...with a hangover in the stinging heat of a late afternoon"
It is not the hangover of stinging heat, but the afternoon of stinging heat.
That is all."
You know what I ll do? ,-)
Let me show you:
"With a hangover bathing in the stinging heat of an afternoon (coming up) too soon"
(parenthèses naturellement pour toi seul. ,-))
a la votre
I would love to, and seriously consider to, bribe Juliet Stevenson* in order to make her recite this text of mine.
(sigh!)
But what would please her enough to comply?
Surely not me (dancing in the rain).
------------
* http://youtu.be/PQMQPmMMTek
Es ist schwer!
http://gurkski.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/2999/