05-02-2013, 04:47 PM
hi lewis
I do enjoy the brevity of the poem. i think you have a solid extended image running through the poem, the title adds to it in the way of an extra line. i never really had a problem with the removed couplet though i do prefer this version. a very tight poem. i wondered if the penultimate line could be better worded so as to not seem to cheesy/trite/forced/preachy
good read, thanks.
I do enjoy the brevity of the poem. i think you have a solid extended image running through the poem, the title adds to it in the way of an extra line. i never really had a problem with the removed couplet though i do prefer this version. a very tight poem. i wondered if the penultimate line could be better worded so as to not seem to cheesy/trite/forced/preachy
good read, thanks.
(05-01-2013, 07:14 PM)lewis taylor Wrote: Coughing up Blood in the Morning
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs,
to exit via lips, is 'to' needed?
and fall no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.
1st edit
Quote:original;
coughing up blood in the morning
Seems there's little use to me
in writing too much on it.
Bleak extracts of morning
ushered out of smoky lungs.
Exeunt via lips,
descend no lower than the ground.
Small metallic streaks of red
among the normal junk.
Mortality in mucus,
washed away by tears of clouds.