Rebekka

[milo]

You can replace my coffee cup;
the chinked and scarred
and weather-stained
remnant of our breakfast table;
the last of solitude. Excellent verse; terse and understated, like a lot of great modern poetry, in my opinion.

You can have Matthias kiss Matthias kiss? I may be too dunderhead to get a reference you're making here
my savior's blackened lips; Great line.
the sweet black of Christ's
dead lips or have him take
my heavy seat; the collaborator. The semi-colons in this verse could easily be replaced with commas, I think.

And I will not betray you; Why is there a semi-colon here when right after it comes a parenthesis marked with dashes?
-and the unsaid accusation
echoes back at me-
though you would throw
our doors open, welcome soldiers
in to boot-scar stairs and pull
the walnut bureau drawers;
rummage through our things
-upturn the nothingness
of photographs and
letters, underwear; cascade
our unlived lives onto the floor-
though you would rend your shirt
at the breast, offer up your secrets
at the breast; the collaborator. I like the structure of this verse, partly because it just feels considered and deliberate. I also enjoy parentheses.

And I will not betray you;
though you whisper a tormented
past across my unworn threshold,
though you carry plastic shopping
bags that tear with the weight
of abandoned clothing from
the quiet huddle of families hidden
in the root cellars or abandoned churches;
temples, though you double up
with train-worn luggage; baggage, By this point your use of semi-colons is starting to grate. Most of them so far could be replaced with commas, and when you do put commas among them it just calls attention to their uselessness.
and someone else's baby's shoes. This is another very good verse. I like your eye for detail and narrative.

And I will not tuck my hands
under your shirt and grope
about your breasts to find
a sack of silver or palm
about your pockets when
you find my lips in front of strangers.

milo

I'm not quite sure what this poem is literally about, but then I'm not quite sure what a lot of good poems are literally about, and I rather like idiosyncrasy and mystery. All critique is JMHO, of course, and thank you for the read

Thanks for your insight. I think with this in mind, I may go through and re-punctuate. I think I will have to move "kiss" down a line to make it more obvious that Matthias is doing the kissing. Sometimes I enjoy the suggestions offered by enjambment but this one seems to be detracting rather than adding.

Once again, thanks.

milo