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#11
i enjoyed the piece, i think you missed an opportunity to flesh out the 1st and 4th stanza. i see below you talk about it being obscene; it isn't, in truth, it's pretty far from being obscene, i think you could really have the chance to be obscene if you fleshed it out a little.

thanks for the read

(04-27-2013, 05:04 AM)newsclippings Wrote:  I've already
made it
into the
hearts of those
diseased and
indisposed.

-

Like a droopy ballsack,
you hang over my mouth
words wrinkled and wet. great image, (where i come from it's called tea-bagging Big Grin)

[Remember: I am far less vile than
your stench on a cold morning.]

Quite lucid when I'm loaded, yes.
And the drinks help me remember would drink work better than drinks?
why I ever liked you in the first place.

-

You can find me running around corners,
cursing in nondescript accents,
trying not to mention the hemorrhage
that comes with knowing yourself too well. solid finish. i like the "you make me bleed" feeling of it.


so what's the title going to be.
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Messages In This Thread
RE: The subject is missing. Please enter a subject. - by rowens - 04-27-2013, 06:06 AM
RE: The subject is missing. Please enter a subject. - by rowens - 04-27-2013, 08:07 AM
RE: The subject is missing. Please enter a subject. - by rowens - 04-27-2013, 09:07 AM
RE: The subject is missing. Please enter a subject. - by rowens - 04-29-2013, 10:22 PM
RE: The subject is missing. Please enter a subject. - by billy - 04-30-2013, 05:12 PM



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