04-29-2013, 07:44 AM
I liked the first two lines and the image it gave me 
But after that, it's mostly just you/the narrator talking. And that's also fine, it just needs some more depth. You could condense the lines, stripping them to the core of what you want to say, and then add some fitting images/metaphors. A lot of the lines would benefit from that - line 8 for example. I think there's lots to build on in this poem
But after that, it's mostly just you/the narrator talking. And that's also fine, it just needs some more depth. You could condense the lines, stripping them to the core of what you want to say, and then add some fitting images/metaphors. A lot of the lines would benefit from that - line 8 for example. I think there's lots to build on in this poem