04-29-2013, 06:07 AM
It flows rather nicely up until "So when he think me to be, laughably lazy"; perhaps something to designate the internal rhyme between "me" and "be" would work. Also, I think if you removed the comma after patience, the poem would end on a more definite note, and it's effect would be slightly more powerful.
This is much, much more subjective, but you create an almost surreal, ambiguous sense of imagery that I can't help to think is taken away from by "If "dropping hints" were to be a sport, He would undeniably be undisputed champion.". The line within itself is not at all bad, but I'm not sure how it fits in terms of diction with the rest of the poem.
This is much, much more subjective, but you create an almost surreal, ambiguous sense of imagery that I can't help to think is taken away from by "If "dropping hints" were to be a sport, He would undeniably be undisputed champion.". The line within itself is not at all bad, but I'm not sure how it fits in terms of diction with the rest of the poem.