Brain Wash

[milo]

Brain Wash (not sure about the title) the title is too obvious, prosaic and telly.

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so

I appreciate the license with horns blinding but due to the sheer logic fallacy the image falls apart, horns DON'T blind, they deafen.

I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would

you believe a train feels the rush of monumental sounds? I believe trains feel nothing. Maybe a person on a train? Is your narrator feeling LIKE a train maybe? No idea . . .

as I'm bounded to the tracks
obscuring my senses

according to this sentence, your narrator is actually bound(ed) to train tracks? and now something is obscuring the other senses of this already blind(deaf) person? this is just becoming laughably ludicrous at this point.

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low

ok, how did you ever get unbound(ed) from those train track with the train rushing at you with its blinding(deafening) horns?

consoling music hums
sweeping my thought

"consoling music hums sweeping my thought"? This sentence is composed of English words, yet not an English sentence is it.

a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”

was the speaker not persistent before? when was that? i don't even remember a speaker before



no more blinding horns
to take my sight
now I awake with law
binding only life

binding /only/ life as opposed to binding life and small furry creatures? the word is "wake" btw, not "awake"

sadly, the writing is not strong wnough for the serious critique forum, it needs a complete rethinking of every word, every line break, every period, every thought, pause and image before even credibly evoking "Clockwork Orange"

Take some time and good luck with it.

milo

"Believe in me, I have the power
of a patriarchal sage."
says the speaker of the hour.
"Believe in me!" I have the power
to turn the telly off and shower.
Don't live in someone else's cage.
Believe in me. I have the power
of a patriarchal sage.