Nike and Boredom

[tectak]

Thanks a lot for the criticism. This was one of those poems that's sparked by what you think is a great idea, and in time turns out to be a lot harder to write (properly) than you'd thought. Anyway, I've taken what you've said on board and done a little edit, I agree that it was all a little vague and your notations of irritating word use and cliches are pretty justified. Here's the next drought... Here, have a Coke

Boredom and Nike

How vexing it
must be to frame
the picture of today
(while it ever tears itself apart
and only stitches form the grain).

Could I suggest, as you are still breaking lines and stanzas haphazardly, that you begin a process of grouping. See below:

How vexing it must be to frame
the picture of today;
while it tears itself apart
and only stitches make the grain.
Surely you would want a shifting lens?


Every sun's a virgin sight,
to all those who in borrowed light
are sweeping through the fleeting day.

It seems no cinch to keep one's feet,
or let alone one's tired eyes;
each turn of Earth by nature, our motions synchronize,
though the way of stable insight
is the aftermath of change.

Yet there are those who time again
attempt to render vision sharp,
so they gamble with perception
in vain hope of making sense.

Every present carries colours
not yet shaded fine by time,
but of today I mark it strange;
both golfers rich and skid row’s junkies
drape themselves in Nike.

For ever more condensed rain hangs
in form of dark commercial's blare.
Truly, to capitulate ought not be how we drift.
Though drift we must for apathy, in time, becomes regret.
We've all the world outside our doors
and all else at our fingers’ tips.

Immerse yourself in distilled time
and this young century we'll define.
But keep real sharp for if we don't,
the chances are we'll just get bored.

This is only my cursory take. It only took a couple of minutes. A lot more can be done, especially if you want consistency in your stanzas. Enjoy the process but please ignore my suggestions if you so wish. It is your poem. I changed "form" to "make" in S1 to avoid the repeat.
Best,
tectak