Brain Wash

[tectak]

This is something I very recently written, and hopefully it's better than my previous works. While writing this I considered all the advice I've been given on my previous posts, so this should be more pleasing to read. However, I do believe there is much room to improve (ending seems weak to me, for instance) so here it is:

Brain Wash (not sure about the title)

blaring car horns
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracks
obscuring my senses

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought
a Speaker now persistent
from the hierarchical stage
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power”

no more blinding horns
to take my sight
now I awake with law
binding only life

hi eli,
I am unable to tell you if this piece is better than your previous postings as you have forgotten to punctuate the thing. Frankly, it is an insult to those who would try to help you. Without labouring the point, I would refer you to posting rules. Poetry posted in serious should be free of basic errors. Free...not Full.
Best,
tectak

---

This is something I very recently written, and hopefully it's better than my previous works. While writing this I considered all the advice I've been given on my previous posts, so this should be more pleasing to read. However, I do believe there is much room to improve (ending seems weak to me, for instance) so here it is:

Brain Wash (not sure about the title)

blaring car hornshow?
blind my eyes so
I only feel the rush
of a monumental sound
like a train would
as I'm bounded to the tracksbound
obscuring my senseswhy?

I sit with an audience
and lights dimmed low
consoling music hums
sweeping my thought
a Speaker now persistentwhy capital? Is it....er....god?
from the hierarchical stagenonsense use of word you do not understand or have not had the courtesy to check
“we are united, believe
in me I have the power” Oh please tell me we are not in another bloody video game.

no more blinding horns
to take my sightWhat is a blinding horn? Is it akin to a loud torch?
now I awake with law
binding only lifecomplete gobbledygook. Read what you write. Please.