Kodokushi (孤独死) (Lonely Death)

[milo]

welcome to the forums. This is serious so . . .

Kodokushi (孤独死)
(Lonely Death)

The depths of November disfigure the endless pain of my lonely debris

ok, you have some serious abstraction problems right with the first line. many readers would just stop reading here. "depths disfigure?" depths cannot do anything, they are abstract. "endless pain?" cliche and more abstraction. "lonely debris" very bad modifier. also, what is this debris? your narrator is concerned with his trash not having anough campanionship? rediculous!

The shifting days absorb the evil deed, mown incredibly

again. why are these days 'shifting'? your narrator never explains. 'evil deed?" boring abstraction. none of these abstractions ever get realised in the poem.
If only my trudge teased the fulfilled darkness,

fulfilled darkness? abstract. compare contrast fulfilled darkness with unfulfilled darkness. trudges cannot tease abstractions.

I could have overleapt the day when I was following your footstep

cliche. who is this narrator that leaps over days? never explained.

“Reawakened”, Can you hear it? The crows eulogize your victory
You should have knitted the suffocating scars, as you were a scavenge
The scars that were made
When I was recalling the blooming weather

But, I adopted the pain
The numinous pain that you have palpated
You watered it with a lawless wrath
Painted it with a falling glory

Since we have incriminated our senseless sophistication
The poem had been the finest touch of death
I came to disbelieve this torturing sin – Yes, sin
Sin for falling into your arms


Now I am capturing the footprints of the suicidal shadows
Walking on an empty space, this is how I will end up my self
As I deserve the pain
I deserve the death

It just continues getting worse and more ridiculous as it goes on becoming a laughable pastiche of whatever ridiculous and unlikely abstract constructs you can assemble without saying anything at all.

the one thing worth saving in the whole mess is "blooming weather".

the rest should should be excised. You want to say something, focus on real, concrete details. give your reader something to relate to not these endless and unlikely abstract conceptualizations. Also, try to make at least a small concession to SOUND and SENSE in your poetry.

I am sure you normally write like Ezra Pound on a bender but this particular poem is not ready for serious critique.

Good luck.

milo