04-26-2013, 05:04 AM
I suppose this is supposed to be a sad poem? is it? anyhow, the problem I found with it was the rhyming, it makes it sound comical. I read, "she puts the gun to her head / pulls the trigger / now she's dead" and couldn't help laughing. It reminded me of one of those little willie poems:
Willie looking in the gun
Pulls the trigger just for fun.
Mother says in tones so pained,
"Willie is so scatter-brained"
anyhow, I have found that treating a subject such as suicide so earnestly doesn't work at all (on an emotive level). I read recently (for the nth time) Trainspotting; and there is this passage that in the first few lines I was laughing and then just began to cry by the last. I would like to quote it if I may.
(after finding her 'thought to be dead uncle' was sweating and warm, Nina had informed everyone that he wasn't dead. The doctor, on closer inspection found that someone had left the electric blanket on...)
"Nina thought that she would piss herself. Her sides ached, as she struggled to repress the spasms of laughter which shook through her. Cathy put her arm around her.
-its awright darlin. There ye go hen. Dinnae worry yirsel, she said, as Nina realised that she was crying like a baby. Crying with a raw power and unselfconscious abandon as the tensions ebbed from her body and she became limp in Cathy's arms."
Now, up to the end of the first two lines I was laughing uncontrollably, but by "...like a baby" I had a lump in my throat and 'I've just got something in my eye'.
I am not saying that one should automatically go for the comedy/tragedy thing, but tragedy must have a sense of humour to make it more poignant.
Just a thought.
Willie looking in the gun
Pulls the trigger just for fun.
Mother says in tones so pained,
"Willie is so scatter-brained"
anyhow, I have found that treating a subject such as suicide so earnestly doesn't work at all (on an emotive level). I read recently (for the nth time) Trainspotting; and there is this passage that in the first few lines I was laughing and then just began to cry by the last. I would like to quote it if I may.
(after finding her 'thought to be dead uncle' was sweating and warm, Nina had informed everyone that he wasn't dead. The doctor, on closer inspection found that someone had left the electric blanket on...)
"Nina thought that she would piss herself. Her sides ached, as she struggled to repress the spasms of laughter which shook through her. Cathy put her arm around her.
-its awright darlin. There ye go hen. Dinnae worry yirsel, she said, as Nina realised that she was crying like a baby. Crying with a raw power and unselfconscious abandon as the tensions ebbed from her body and she became limp in Cathy's arms."
Now, up to the end of the first two lines I was laughing uncontrollably, but by "...like a baby" I had a lump in my throat and 'I've just got something in my eye'.
I am not saying that one should automatically go for the comedy/tragedy thing, but tragedy must have a sense of humour to make it more poignant.
Just a thought.