04-25-2013, 01:30 PM
It’s dark, there’s no place to go.
No place to turn, no place to hide.
My head is screaming, can’t escape. :This is not an adequate sentence.
My emotions numb, can’t feel a thing. Cliche emotion... dig deeper.
The pain inside, won’t erase.: Does pain ever erase? The point of pain is to remind one of adversity.
My body limp, won’t progress.: Pointless..
My thoughts are poison, to myself.: BLah, blah, blah.
The hole is deep, too profound.: Are holes profound? I dont think so... but if so show me. Let me experience this profound hole.
I’ve hit the point, of my despair.: again, dig deeper.
Inside I cry, of my own tribulation.: This line does not fit in.
In all you need to work on your rhythm. Maybe count syllables if you need to... Also, this is not very poetic... maybe prose? I dont know, you need to work on your imagery... I do feel emotion but it sounds more whiny right now that profound...
Thanks for sharing!
No place to turn, no place to hide.
My head is screaming, can’t escape. :This is not an adequate sentence.
My emotions numb, can’t feel a thing. Cliche emotion... dig deeper.
The pain inside, won’t erase.: Does pain ever erase? The point of pain is to remind one of adversity.
My body limp, won’t progress.: Pointless..
My thoughts are poison, to myself.: BLah, blah, blah.
The hole is deep, too profound.: Are holes profound? I dont think so... but if so show me. Let me experience this profound hole.
I’ve hit the point, of my despair.: again, dig deeper.
Inside I cry, of my own tribulation.: This line does not fit in.
In all you need to work on your rhythm. Maybe count syllables if you need to... Also, this is not very poetic... maybe prose? I dont know, you need to work on your imagery... I do feel emotion but it sounds more whiny right now that profound...
Thanks for sharing!